Sunday, December 16, 2012

Secret Santicore: The Dinner Theater

And now, a fine example of how a Santicore request can take on a life of its own.

THE REQUEST:   A page of troll jokes, either as told by trolls or featuring the abuse of trolls, illustrated or written.  If a page is too much, maybe fill them out with orc, elf, halfling jokes as well.

Jason Kielbasa and Janis Lilly of The Only Successful One have responded to this request with a handful of jokes...and an entire adventure location complete with NPCs.

The Dinner Theater
by Jason Kielbasa and Janis Lilly

proudly presents
a musical dinner theater experience

The Menu
If the PCs are interested in dinner options hand them this list.

Main Dishes
Peasant under glass
Serf and Turf
Human Veal
Halfling Dumplings
Flumph in a delicate butter sauce

Harn potatoes
Shrieker Mushroom in a light EVOO
Gelatinous Cube salad
Black Pudding
Anna Paplova
Gag Beasley’s Bananas Foster

Blood of the fallen foe of the day
Soup of the day

Drinks at the bar are bog standard for your setting. Although, Gargle-guh is known to make fine Manhattans, 7 and 7s, and high balls.

Denizens of the Theater

Gargle-guh the Destroyer -- Proprietor and Barkeep
Orc, 1st level Fighter
Str- 14 Dex- 7 Con- 13 Wis- 16 Cha- 13 Int- 10
Black-and-white striped shirt, red and gold paisley vest, gold pocket watch (that he checks often to make sure the show is running on time), tiny top hat w/ a single red feather plume. Ratty black tuxedo pants. +2 crook.
Shecky -- House Comedian
Troll, 1st level Thief
Shecky wears a ratty pastel blue polyester tuxedo. Looks like a combination of Tony Orlando and a 2nd edition AD&D Troll.
Str- 15 Dex- 11 Con- 14 Wis- 8 Cha- 7 Int- 16

Herman -- Lighting Guy
Halfing, 3rd level Illusionist
Str- 11 Dex- 12 Con- 10 Wis- 8 Cha-8 Int- 12
A lumpy gray potato of a Halfling. Forever clad in tattered blue workman’s overalls and a ridiculous deer stalker hat leftover from a raucous production of The Hellhounds of Baskerville. Often heard muttering incantations in lieu of mechanical tinkering. He seems to be radiating an unstable energy that keeps the show going.

Ida & Ena -- Dancers
Ida and Ena Serowyn were once beautiful flaxen haired elven women with delicate porcelain features that gave them the appearance of being constructed of living milk glass. Their hair was so luminous it was said that a single strand could light even the darkest corners of the Thurgen Forest. However, time and despair have not been kind to the sisters. Their once effulgent blue eyes are covered in smoky cataracts and their alabaster skin is creped and marred by liver spots giving the sisters the look of molting albino crows. Their once graceful movements have been stiffened by arthritism giving the once-harrowing rhythmic display of the dance of death an inflexible mechanical lumber . However, they still perform 2 shows a night and 3 on Sundays.
Ida Serowyn, elf 3rd level fighter
Str- 6 Dex- 9 Con- 15 Wis- 7 Cha- 12, Int- 15
Special equipment- +1 Sword of Grace, +1 Dex
Ina Serowyn, elf 3rd level fighter
Str- 6 Dex- 13 Con- 10 Wis- 8 Cha- 5 Int- 14
Special equipment- +1 Sword of Striking Beauty, +1 Cha

Bee -- Ticket-vendor 
0-level hobgoblin
Bee is a female Hobogoblin with pink beehive hairdo who obsessively chain-smokes. She speaks to no one if it does not involve their ticket or anything theater-related and even then, does so with disdain. Will be staring at a tiny magical box w/ pictures on it she has sitting in her lap.

The Servers
The waitstaff is a family of acrobatic Russian imps who were abandoned at the theater when their manager had a heart attack. Only 3 feet tall with skin brown and creased like an old leather satchel. They balance the tarnished silver trays over their heads. They serve your food with a professional flourish before disappearing down the dumb waiter-shaft.

The Theater Itself

A rundown 2 story theater with a broken and chipped marquee out front. There is a ticket window which is staffed by a small froglike creature (Bee, above).
Lobby- Long mahogany bar in front with brass railings. Alcohol available. Sign over bar reads “The more you drink the prettier we get.” The owner is regularly seen holding court here. To the left and right of the bar are archways leading to the theater. Dinner menus are prominently displayed on the bar.
Theater- Entering you see a proscenium style stage with decrepit red velvet main rag and matching legs. Backdrop is a faded and peeling battle scene. In front of the stage an orchestra pit that once held a house band, but is now stacked with piles of rubble and theatrical ephemera.  On the walls there is peeling red and gold-flocked wallpaper and gaudy gold sconces w/ flickering illusory light.  Above you are balconies holding stage lights, ladders, and rolls of backdrop oil cloth left over from the theater's heyday. Directly above the stage is a giant ornate wrought iron chandelier that once held 50 nubile Elven dancers in tableau but now lurks menacingly above the performers like a guillotine blade. All of the seats have been removed and replaced with four-top café tables and chairs. Everything is covered with a fine powder of dust and regret.
Through the stage left leg you can see a dressing room door and beyond, a wall of mirrors rimmed with globed lights. The mirror is covered with lips stick prints and smudges. On the wall above the lights you can see a torn and faded poster for the twin elven sister act “The Splendid Serowyn Sisters and their Seductive Saber Dance of Death".
The bathrooms have been given over to decay. The once-elegant marble sinks are now weathered and beaten. The water has a 1 in 6 chance of running and a 2 in 6 chance of clogging when it does. It smells of rotten eggs. The toilets have a 3 in 6 chance of flushing; the management tries to keep them up as best as they can, not that you’d notice. Toiletries are kept up to snuff.

Map Key
Level 1
  1. Ticket office
  2. Bar
  3. Bar area
  4. Men’s Bathroom
  5. Women’s Bathroom
  6. Dining area
  7. Orchestra Pit
  8. Stage
  9. Backstage
  10. Dressing Room, stage left
  11. Dressing Room, stage right
S. Stairs, going upwards
D. Dumbwaiter chutes for waiters

Level 2
  1. Lighting and prop area (L = spotlight/fresnel)
  2. Wrought iron chandelier

And Now, Some Troll Jokes
  1. A Cleric says to a Troll, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run 10 miles a day.” 2 weeks later the Troll called the cleric and the cleric says “How is your love life since you have been running?” The Troll says “I don’t know, I am 140 miles away.”
  2. Take my wife who I gained as spoil of war. Please!
  3. I was so beautiful when I was born my mother slapped the Cleric.
  4. Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid becoming the spoils of war!
  5. How many Dwarves does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 4 to hold the ladder.
  6. What does a Troll call second breakfast? Halfling.
  7. Where do Troll vampires live? Trollsylvania.
  8. What’s a Troll's favorite book? For Whom the Bell Trolls.
  9. A Fighting man, a Cleric, and Magic User walk into a dungeon. The Troll kills them and uses their skin as hat.
  10. Knock spell, who’s there? Stupid other Magic User negating my Wizard Lock.

I encourage readers to add even more awful Troll jokes in the comments below.

1 comment:

  1. Q: What is the biggest hit song among the Trolls?
    A: Bridge Over Kobold Waters