Thursday, March 17, 2022

Gno More Gnomes

There are no proper gnomes in Wampus Country. The last of them were massacred a century ago by a warband of Red Sky People led by their then-chieftain, Mokul (later Mokul Gnome-Kicker). Records indicate that the local gnomes were of the fairly tame, Lawful-leaning variety, with impressive moustaches and probably pointy hats. 

 There was, at one point, sufficient gnomish population in the woods around Shining Lake that gnomish graves are still sometimes liberated today by keen-eyed frontiersmen with convenient shovels. Gnomish tumuli inevitably contain multiple interments, typically with their arms and armor (roll as per Monster Manual and supplement with the knowledge and tables below if you like). 

 Things To Know About Gnomish Weaponry & Armor 

 …Gnomes are decent metalsmiths - not approaching what dwarves can do, of course - but rather than experiment with alloys that might increase the strength or sharpen the edge of a blade, gnome smiths tend to mess about with inclusions that will hold interesting colors, shimmer, glitter, or reflective qualities. There is a 20% chance that any gnomish metal item of quality bears a brilliant color or a swirl of gaudy glitter (this chance increases to 50% if the item is enchanted). 

 …Any weapon is 15% likely to have one or more semi-precious stones mounted in the haft, head, or pommel – likely worn flat or indented by a previous owner rubbing it for luck. 

 Decorations & Devices on Gnomish Martial Items 

1 stylized badger/wolverine pawprint 

2 leaping hare 

3 Escher-esque geometric designs 

4 heraldic badger, rampant and engorged (compare to Bern coat of arms) 

5 stylized representations of gemstones 

6 raccoon (armor or helm may feature tail)

7 autumn leaves (perhaps colored appropriately) 

8 mole (plain, star-nosed, or perhaps a naked mole rat) 

9 comedy and/or tragedy masks 

10 gnome knight riding a mastiff or giant rabbit 

 Assorted Things You Might Find On A Gnome You Have Waylaid

 1 copper medallion with septangle, a common gnomish luck symbol 

 2 small cork with “TOOT-NO-MORE” stamped on it, a fine example of gnomish humor 

 3 bubblegum-scented moustache wax in a little container 

 4 a small leather envelope labeled “in case of elves”, containing a single dose of ingestible poison in the form of a breath mint 

 5 dead ferret (if the gnome in question was recently alive, the ferret may merely be intoxicated (55% chance)). 

 6 sweat-stained hand towel bearing the embroidered mark of a fancy hotel in a distant city 

 7 small kid-leather bag containing enough red and blue marbles to play a regulation game of “That Baby Ain’t Mine”, a popular gnomish game of skill suitable for friendly wagers 

 8 treasure map, annoyingly tightly folded into stunningly-complex origami shape likely to rip when undone 

 9 petrified and moldy piece of hard cheese (no doubt saved from the gnome’s Wedding Cheese for good luck) 

 10 Zarbag At The Earth’s Surface, a thrilling dime novel by gnome author Nedgar Rhys Burrows. 

 11 one gnomish nose-harmonica, functional but in need of a slight tuning 

 12 perfumed slip of paper reading, in very fancy script, “IOU 10 gold pieces”, signed “Oliver Duckworth” 

13 small box of minty pine-scented Tunnel Stank brand deodorant powder “for clothing, creatures, and crevices” 

 14 pocket fitness manual, Bigger Arms Today. Rear-cover illustration shows a muscular dwarf kicking dirt in the face of a scrawny, nebbishy gnome. 

 15 small bottle of hot sauce 

 16 piece of rubber featuring the impression of someone else’s thumbprint 

 17 personal pocket collection of broken glass, somehow both wistfully beautiful and completely sad 

 18 gnomish religious tract The World Is An Illusion (But The Abyss Is F*cking Real) 

 19 five copper pieces glued together in a stack 

 20 gnomish “tijuana bible” depicting The Very Naughty Adventures of Dinkle Von Stinkle, A Gnome of Peculiar Habits Indeed.

1 comment:

  1. Awwww yesssss

    Gonna desecrate a lot of graves after this