Sunday, March 10, 2013

Fan Mail From Apes

I received a postcard in the mail yesterday from a PC, which was a pleasant surprise.

Apologies for the crap pics, apparently I still haven't adjusted to using the camera on my phone and turning the damn thing the right way.  I suppose I could turn them and re-save them as jpegs.  Anyway, here's the text:

Orangconan am reach level 2 so him big shot now.  But!  Him miss halcyon days of youth.  Him visit for vacation in Wampus Country!

Today me visit jack-o-lope ranch.  A wizard (boo!) am raise jack-o-lope and make big with magic.

Jack-o-lope very big and dumb, but taste good.  (Me not know personally because me am only eat leaves and fruit and bugs.)

Orangconan is an orangutan barbarian who carries a bigass sword and worships a god called BANANACROM (all caps mandatory).  That's...pretty much all you need to know to appreciate this piece of mail, I think.  The mighty Orangconan adventured in Wampus Country only once, accompanying the Rat-House Bastards into the Charnel Caves of the Necronauts and making off with a share of an immense block of amber.  I'm glad he's back to visit, but I hope he can read the blog from where he is and get this response.

Orangconan -

So glad to hear you are well and enjoying Wampus Country again, and thank you for the postcard.

A word of warning, however, as I suspect that if you are still staying near that ranch you may be in danger.

In some parts of Wampus Country, the word 'jackalope' is used generally to refer to any unusual or large lagomorph - to include jackalopes proper, wolpertingers, and several other oddball species that have a general rabbity form.  However, if you look at the picture (hopefully you are no longer near this creature), please note the massive bunny lacks any antlers - the true sign of what we typically call a jackalope around here.

I worry that the mega-bunnies you encountered on that ranch are not just large rabbits, but are in fact a devious species known as the mackrabbit.  These evil creatures were once used to pull freight in the nightmare realms, and take rabbity form in our world.  They have powerful muscles and keen incisors which can take a man's arm clean off in one bite, and should not be trifled with.  More to the point, they are crafty, tend to pose as 'dumb animals', and are usually exerting infernal mind control on the humanoids around them, biding their time for...something.  Avoid their spoor, which is explosive.

I do so hope you enjoy the balance of your vacation in Wampus Country, and look forward to seeing you again soon.    --Erik

Mackrabbit (alignment Chaotic/Chaotic-Evil, 1d4 encountered, AC 5, HD 6, kick for 2d8 and/or bite for 1d12)   The diabolic mackrabbit may make cute giant bunny eyes thrice per day, as a charm person spell.  As their bodies are primarily crafted of devil-stuff, mackrabbit pellets are permeated with soot from the hell-worlds and will burn nicely for 1d3 rounds if lit before exploding (1d3 damage in a pungent five-foot radius). A clutch of mackrabbits may (20% chance) be led by a "Mack Daddy", which is a pit fiend or similar in temporary bunny form.

These creatures are not to be confused with the Rabbitjacks who dwell in Dawn Valley, about whom we shall hear more in a few weeks, as I have heard numerous reports of late regarding their continuing mastery of the forbidden arts of sucromancy.  Something about marshmallow chickens.

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