In The Valley of Babababa

From the journal of Major Eustace Shortbread Hootenanny -

I fear we have wandered far from our goal in the attempts to follow Heatherington's trail, yet avoid some of the more dangerous regions his expedition encountered.  Nevertheless, our motley party has found a few bright points, not least of which was our visit to a secluded, verdant valley inhabited by a friendly, if odd, people.  The sides of the valley are dotted with their domiciles, and the basin is lush with banana and starfruit trees.  These folk call their valley Babababaland, and though they are civilized and ruled by a Queen, they live a simple agrarian lifestyle dominated by zealous adherence to a very strange religion.  The Babababalanders - or Babababarbarians, as we have taken to calling them half-jokingly - follow some kind of pantheistic faith, and they are ever-concerned that their actions please the various gods and never offend them.  Their savage superstition seems to be agglutinative in that, over the generations, they have developed a lengthy list of laws which control their lives.  We spent only a day and a half in their valley to restock and rest, but we saw the apparent laws change five or six times during our stay - in the morning it was illegal to touch a cow, and by nightfall one could touch a cow, but could not wear the color red.  The Babababalanders believe the gods are always watching, and any violation of these ancient laws could offend the heavens and bring disaster upon the valley...


LAWS OF BABABABALAND

The laws of the Babababarbarians shift regularly according to their byzantine holy calendar.  On any given day in the valley, roll one Must (a thing which everyone must do) and one Must Not (a thing which is forbidden).  Every few hours of game-time, change one; if that isn't manic enough, change faster.  Roll multiple times for the sabbath or holidays.  The people of Babababaland have lived in the valley so long they have a near-instinctual sense of which laws are in effect at a given time; however, they're not very good at predicting what the next law to take effect will be, or when.  Some explorers who have visited the valley seem to think the heretical thought that there are no holy calendars, and the Babababarbarians just make it all up via silent consensus as they go along; however it is also possible that the calendars exist, but are hidden away from outlanders.  Major Hootenanny's journal suggests the former, and notes that the Babababalanders seem to switch laws faster (and add multiple laws) when they are agitated, or in times of crisis.

Failure to follow the strange laws of Babababaland is punishable by imprisonment, fine, dismemberment, or death, depending on the violation.  Outlanders must also follow the laws, and ignorance is no defense.  Refusal to submit to a punishment will, of course, incur more punishments.

You MUST:

1.  Greet others with a sound smack across the face.
2.  Wear a banana-peel on your head.  (These are plentiful in the valley, as babababanana trees are everywhere)
3.  Punctuate the end of each sentence with a loud WHOOP.
4.  Declare yourself the Queen and act as such until the law changes.  Note, however, that the Queen does not have the power to change the laws.
5.  Do everything backwards to the extent possible - walk backwards, reverse word-order when speaking, spit tea into empty cups, etc.  When this law kicks in during binge-drinking, it is not a pretty sight.
6.  Dance.  Chair-dancing is acceptable should you need to sit or ride a horse.
7.  Refer to everyone by the opposite gender.
8.  Sit down immediately, wherever you are, and stay there til the law changes.
9.  Make sweet, sweet love to the nearest person.
10.  Sing holy hymns at the top of your lungs.  You may engage in other activities whilst doing so.
11.  Put a fish down your pants.
12.  Pretend everyone else is invisible and inaudible.
13.  Hold hands with someone.  No holding hands with yourself, with animals, or with inanimate objects.
14.  Fist-fight anyone who says your name.
15.  Hop everywhere you go.  One-legged hops are considered particularly pious.
16.  Pretend to be an animal.  No doubles - you have to pick an animal that nobody else is being.
17.  Replace normal speech with gibberish.  Locals favor "bababa", of course.
18.  Grab any paper you see, rip it to bits, and throw it over your shoulder.  This also applies to paper money and spellbooks.
19.  Jam a finger up your nose til it hurts, and keep it there.  If it stops hurting, shove farther.
20.  Catch and eat a butterfly.  Note that the pretty blue butterflies in the valley are fairly poisonous, although natives have built up an immunity.


You MUST NOT:

1.  Wear pants.
2.  Look anyone in the eye.
3.  Belch, fart, hiccup, or cough.
4.  Lift a foot from the ground.
5.  Touch livestock, or the products of livestock (meat, milk, cheese etc).
6.  Walk on the grass.
7.  Urinate.
8.  Bear arms.
9.   Eat or drink anything.
10.  Open your eyes.
11.  Use the definite article, in speech or in writing.
12.  Handle money.
13. Remove or change your clothing - this means no unbuttoning, no doffing of hats, and no dropping trousers for any reason.
14.  Touch another human being.  (The arrival of demihumans in Babababaland may trigger some debate on this one)
15.  Light or extinguish a fire.
16.  Make any noise above a whisper.
17.  Wear or touch a certain color (pick one or roll on your favorite color table).  If you're particularly cruel and pick a color humans can't normally see or distinguish ('ulfire', perhaps?), the Babababarbarians will be particularly paranoid and refuse to touch anything just in case it's that color they can't see.
18.  Whistle, hum, or sing.
19.  Say "no" in any way.  You cannot deny anyone anything, and must always agree and acquiesce.
20.  Touch, or be touched by an insect.


PUNISHMENT:
Roll d6 for failing to do a "Must"; Roll d6+d8 for doing a "Must Not".  If you're playing DCC and need another excuse to roll a d14, roll a d14 for everything, because why deny yourself the simple pleasures?

1.  Minor fine (d6x10 dollars)
2.  Major fine (d4x100 dollars)
3.  Divested of all property.
4.  Exiled from the valley.
5.  Indentured servitude to a prominent Babababalander for 2d6 weeks.
6.  Mandatory marriage to an eligible Babababalander.
7.  Head shaved and painted blue.
8. Scourged with braided-banana-peel cat-o-nine-tails.
9.  Tip of pinky-finger clipped off.
10. Loss of a foot.
11.  Loss of a hand.
12.  Tongue pulled out with heated tongs.
13.  Death by stoning.
14.  Death to you, and the last person you touched before committing the crime.

Vintage portrait of Major Hootenanny as he was when he commanded the Sunset Lancers.  In his later years, he worked as a mercenary and was very inconveniently turned into a snake-man.

Learning to Accessorize

Although the hardy frontier-folk of the Wampus Country tend to favor reliable, hard-wearing equipment, it has become fashionable amongst high-rollers, mad adventurers, and poseurs to demonstrate their prestige by means of ostentatious custom-built weapons.  The trend began innocently enough, with grips and hafts built to fit their owners, and weapons decked out with custom paint jobs and decorative baubles.  In time, the predictable oneupsmanship of the wealthy fringe took hold, and the accessories got ever-stranger.  Here, a rifle stock that dispenses rum; there, a footman's mace with a compass in the hilt.  Soon, all manner of impractical upgrades were ordered, and it became a point of pride for a well-heeled mercenary to bear a custom-made weapon which was not only built to specification (using a series of nineteen different body measurements, including "width of palm" and "optimal thumb angle"), but which had one or more ostentatious accessories - often a second weapon - either built in or clamped to it.  It will come as no surprise that many of these weapons were less than practical in actual combat and can today be found on corpses across the countryside; a charging owlbear is not impressed by the fact that the hilt of your rapier dispenses shaving cream.

Here is a d100 table of nonmagical weapon upgrades and accessories, from the practical to the ridiculous.  I look forward to hearing stories about PCs fighting over possession of a crossbow with a flail attached to it.

Yo dawg, I heard you like accessories on your weapons...

Famous Explorers of Wampus Country, Part One

Many of the most famous explorers of Wampus Country are martial types, quick with a pistol and a blade, the better to survive in the often-dangerous wilderness.  But some get by purely on their wits, or with a little magical aid.

One such is a daring young lady called Izzy of the Gifts; she is so-named for the several enchanted accoutrements she bears which aid her in her travels.  Although young, Izzy has ranged far and wide over the countryside, using her skills to cover ridiculous amounts of ground in a short time.  Plainly dressed and kind of word, Izzy is quite happy to nonviolently aid any who cross her path.  Her surname is unknown, perhaps abandoned in the old country, but rumor has it she hails from a magically talented family.  Indeed, both she and her cousin James are known to possess the power to speak the tongues of animals, and travel in their company.  Izzy's primary traveling companion is a banderlog who enjoys human fashion; James prefers the company of a young spotted wampus-cat.  Like many Wampus Country wanderers, Izzy has had her share of strange adventures, including once being transformed (temporarily) into a mermaid.  Despite being peaceful at heart, Izzy of the Gifts has earned several enemies in her travels, including a larcenous kitsune who has become obsessed with her in a dark and inappropriate way.

This adventurous explorer's magical items are detailed below:

Fortuitous Rucksack - A leather bag, with shoulder-straps, of the sort commonly worn by adventurers; the worn calfskin shows great age, and the wrinkles and folds almost seem to twist into a smiling face.  The fortuitous rucksack has the singular magic ability to produce, once per day, a mundane item which the user either needs immediately, or will need within the next six hours.  The rucksack radiates both conjuration and divination magic, and can additionally function as a normal container of its type.

Fateful Cartographic - The fateful cartographic bears similar divination sorcery to the rucksack; once per day it can alter its appearance so as to become a guide to the requested destination, so long as it is within 24 hours' travel.  The cartographic does not display words, numbers, or distances, instead using primitive petroglyphs to represent obvious landmarks along the journey.

Izzy's cousin James, known to be a druid of some power, is also the bearer of the fantastic metamorph of salvation, a gaily-colored item which can transform from a bag into a means of transportation (canoe, dinghy, bicycle, hang-glider, hot-air balloon, etc) once per day for an hour.  The similarities in form shared by the metamorph and the fortuitous rucksack suggest that James and Izzy's family line may have been wizards specializing in container-related sorcery.

Rumors that these adventurous cousins may have other relatives who share their magical skills, or variants thereof - for example, the ability to speak to inanimate tools - are yet to be confirmed.

The Candy That Kills

In the Halloween spirit, some scraps about candy...

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THE CANDY THAT KILLS

(The below excerpted from The Candy That Kills, a propaganda pamphlet which occasionally turns up in Wampus Country, origin unknown)

In the distant east, the punishing heat of the rising sun bakes the land dry and makes brittle the hearts of men.  There lies the harsh realm of the Witch-Queen, her bizarre sorcerous creations, and the put-upon Kandylanders.  Who is this dire harridan?  What does she want?  How can regular folks like you and I protect themselves from her depredations?

The Witch-Queen of Sugarplum Castle is a horrible faerie of some sort, immortal and dark and cruel.  Do not be fooled by tales of her beauty, for she wears an elegantly-sculpted face of fondant over her true, daemonic visage.  Her castle, constructed of confections and chocolate, perches like a buzzard on a high basalt cliff overlooking the impoverished villages of Kandyland.  The Kandylanders themselves are like unto slaves, toiling day and night in the fields and mines, digging defensive trenches for the coming war which their regent believes to be inevitable.

Once before, her armies marched out, cutting a swath of devastation seaward into the marches of Khelibesh before she was driven back, at great cost to the southlanders.  It is only a matter of time before the call to conquest sounds yet again, and the Witch-Queen unleashes her full fury on the frontier settlements of the Wampus Country!

Beware the Witch-Queen!  Her spies are everywhere!
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FELL SECRETS OF SUCROMANCY

There are many dark, odd, or nearly-forgotten magical lores floating about the Wampus Country, but none of them inspire as much whispering as sucromancy, the magical manipulation of sugar.  Most wizards - and some well-traveled adventurers - have heard of sucromancy, perhaps in connection with the semi-mythical Witch-Queen of Sugarplum Castle.  Perhaps the unschooled believe the dark art to be solely involved with crafting weapons or constructs of sugar, candy, and chocolate; but, in truth, these manifestations are but the first circles of sucromancy, as practiced by the Witch-Queen's many mage-vassals and those independent wizards who stumble upon the art via experimentation.  The true secret of sucromancy is not the manipulation of sugar crystals, but of carbon itself - and through it, all life.  An initiate of sucromancy can create a peppermint sword, or sculpt a marzipan golem and bring it to life, but a true master of the art can kill with a sidelong glance.

Apprentice sucromancers - who are already wizards of note before being accepted into the order - tend to specialize in a particular manifestation of sugar: hard candy, peppermint, ice cream, bubblegum, chocolate, etc.  The type of candy is not chosen by the mage, but comes to them naturally, as a representation of their understanding of both magic and life itself.  A spiteful sucromancer may command the bitterness of dark chocolate, while a fun-loving homebody embraces the pillow-like wonder of marshmallows.

Through the centuries, the immortal Witch-Queen has groomed many sucromancers (some of whom were perhaps also lovers); she tired of many of them, tossing them aside or slaughtering them for tactical failures, personal offense, or imagined slights.  The lure of secret magic is great, and there are always more wizards looking to learn, no matter how dangerous the apprenticeship.  Notable sucromancers in years past include the wizard Rheez (chopped into pieces, parts of his corpse are said to be enchanted; survived by his own apprentice, his daughter Marie-Jeanne), and the Triumvirate of Swordsmen (all of which were slain by righteous rabbitjacks).


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RUMORED CREATURES OF THE KANDYLANDS
as reported by Sweet Jimmy Peppermint

Sugarfather - A huge, gloppy caramel monstrosity which spawns a swarm of halfling-sized sugarkinder as it charges into battle.  Possibly related to some vanilla-filled caramel minotaurs spotted on the grounds of Sugarplum castle.

Balloonheads - Able to inflate their taffy-like heads and float about, these vile humanoids are known to descend on their prey from above with a fusillade of rifle-fire.

Wailing Infants - Tumbling ever-forward as a mass of screaming toddlers, this hiveminded monstrosity cries out with a hundred mewling voices as it denudes the countryside of plant and beast.

Gummy Owlbear - Perhaps too horrible to think about, this beast blends the worst parts of a ferocious predator and a gelatinous cube.

(Early) Halloween: The Haunted Mills

Have you ever been running way late on blogposts, and then you get a pretty dumb idea and run with it anyway?

Yeah, me too.

The Haunted Mills is the skeleton (ha!) of a Halloween adventure.  Mostly it's jokes.  But at least it's out of my system now.

Presented nice and early so you can flesh it out in time for a Halloween one-shot.

You know precisely where this is going.

But Wait, There's More

Recently some PCs took a trip to the City Behind the Moon, a faerie tradestation hung amongst the stars.  During that visit, they saw all manner of shops hawking strange goods, including several which offered odd liqueurs, strong drink, or potions of the magical variety.  One shop in particular - the Apothecary Most Legendary - was essentially the multiversal faerie equivalent of an "As Seen On TV" store in the mall, and it had goods such as these on the shelves...

Takhisian No-No Juice - A foul-smelling liquid distilled from the innards of naughty and self-important dragons, Takhisian No-No Juice - known as TNJ to its fans - has three distinct effects.  1) When an entire bottle is consumed by an evil, sapient creature, TNJ acts as a healing potion, restoring 2d8+2 hit points.  With each use, there is a cumulative 1% chance of draconic mutation.   2) When TNJ is used as an oil for gears, it magically enhances the functioning of vehicles which run on tracks, such as locomotives, mine-carts, and roller-coasters, improving their speed by 20% for about an hour.  3) TNJ is a deadly poison to certain halfling subspecies.

Pocket Fish-Or-Man? - This palm-sized device is a wooden box with a spinner on top, and two icons representing a fish and a human; there is also a small square on the surface which seems to contain some kind of gauze.  When a drop of bodily fluid (blood works best, but spittle also functions) is placed on the gauze, the little brass arrow spins rapidly for a moment, then settles on either fish (source of the blood is a fish) or man (source of the blood is a mortal humanoid - anything from human to dwarf to orc, etc).  Liquid from a creature which is neither fish nor man (a chicken; a demon; a vampire) will cause the arrow to spin wildly, then point off at nothing.  Placing the blood of a mermaid or similar creature on the device will break it.

KaBlam - A small packet of crimson powder which may register as magical and/or 'good' to some highly-attuned detection techniques; the paper packet is decorated with a drawing of an exploding angel, and the salesclerk insists the powder is mostly "genuine Throne plasma harvested by the haemogoblins of Thrux".  If a packet of the powder is mixed thoroughly with a flask of common lamp oil or other mundane flammable, any explosion caused by said oil will do double damage to creatures susceptible to "holy stuff" - usually devils, demons, undead in some realms, etc.  Heavenly creatures of substantial power will be able to smell the powder from some distance, and may be less than pleased at its use.

Pajama Plate - This comfortable neck-to-toe bodysuit has the appearance (sort-of) of a full suit of plate mail, and conveys protection like studded leather, but is soft and stretchy enough to sleep in.

Jinnsu Stake Knife - This steel dagger has been specially enchanted by earth elementals such that the entirety of the blade counts as wooden for the purposes of staking vampires.

Jaxlalan's Power Juicer - A whirring, clunking machine the size of a small cart, the Power Juicer was invented by the Muscle Wizard Jaxlalan.  Magical items go in the top, and the Power Juicer breaks them down into healing potions (of the 1d8 variety).  Each "plus" of a weapon recycled, for example, will generate six draughts of healing potion.  Other miscellaneous magical items will generate 1d30 draughts, irrespective of gp or xp value of the magic item, for Jaxlalan was insane and his Juicer is fickle.

The Sluggie - A warm, hooded length of mottled green velvet, the Sluggie functions as an all-weather cloak.  When worn backwards, however, the Sluggie casts its enchantment upon the wearer, who now appears to be a man-sized garden slug.  The illusion affects all five senses, and lasts until the wearer reverses the Sluggie, or touches salt (which will disenchant the device).  Most Sluggies have cute little antennae on the hood.

Spray-On Beard -  A tin canister which allows the user to quickly generate a beard (color of hair matches color on top of can) for disguise, for fun, or for holy rites like the Feast of Saint Zizzytop.  One can is enough to generate three reasonable beards, or one Amazing Wizard Beard.  The magical liquid turns to hair upon contact with the face, but it will only do beards - no unibrows or top-of-head hair.  It does, however, function just fine on females and creatures who don't normally grow beards (such as lizard-men or stone golems), producing a luxurious man-beard with a simple press of the button.

Sheikh-Weight - The size and shape of an oversized metal coin, the Sheikh-Weight attaches itself to a target when thrown and immediately weighs a hundred pounds; however, it only functions on nobility and royalty, hence the name.  Now a curiosity, the Sheikh-Weight was a decisive invention during the Gentry-Slaughter of the city-state of Plarg, and even some current models are emblazoned with that old motto, "We are the 18/00 percent".

The UroBlade - Ever find yourself in the middle of a dungeon with no-where to relieve yourself?  Don't trust your party members or henchmen?  You could use a UroBlade.  This fully-functional longsword (okay, not really, it only does d6) has a secret - the pommel flips open so you can take care of your business inside the sword and empty it out later.  Also available in "shortsword" (for halflings) and "glaive-guisarme" (who are you trying to impress?).  A UroBlade which has been, ahem, utilized has a 25% chance each round of popping open during subsequent combat and spilling all over you and your melee opponent.

The ChopSlap - It slices!  It dices!  The revolutionary ChopSlap replaces all your melee weapons.  Basically it's a handle that can manifest a dagger, shortsword, longsword, or ten-foot-pole depending on the button pressed.  All these modes work pretty great, doing the usual (nonmagical) damage; but the ChopSlap doesn't stand up to repeated use.  After 10+1d20 rounds of actual combat with the darn thing, the buttons start to get a little wonky, and the weapon produced will be totally random each time (including weapons not listed above, like a battle-axe or main-gauche, and even some improbable implements such as a rake, trowel, gaff, or marital aid).

The Sham-WoW - A small fluffy square of fabric which, when held over the eyes, impedes most sight but places a golden aura around passersby who may be in need of help or have work you could do.

Miniatures & Wampus Country

Horrible guilt for not posting for a month, blah blah.

Work proceeds apace on a non-Wampus Labyrinth Lord module - with art and maps and stuff! - for publication later in the Fall.

And, now, this:

MINIATURES SUITABLE FOR WAMPUS COUNTRY
("My God, Helen!  He's browsing for miniatures and acting like it's a blog post!  The nerve!")

Wampus Country is not a miniature-friendly game, even leaving aside the fact that I've been running it primarily over the internet.  When I did my session at NTRPGCon, we used some plastic dinosaurs, but I didn't bring miniatures for the PCs (I might next year...).  I'm not a battlegrid guy at heart, but if I had a face-to-face group, I'm sure we'd use miniatures for some things - set-piece battles, maybe, that sort of thing.  In the past I've stolen my son's 54mm plastic cowboys to run a thing or two, but if you want broad minis selection, these days you're mostly looking at 25-28mm scale.

Fashion and armament vary a bit in the Wampus Country, so looking for 25-28mm models that "go with" the setting should be easy.  Some Victorian, VSF, and pulp minis will work; cowboys work; Napoleonics work.  If I painted some of these minis up in "Wampus" style, I think I'd aim for brighter colors than the historical standard.

Here are a handful I've come across lately that get my want-to-paint-minis juices flowing.

Blue Moon Manufacturing has a line called "Drums In The Ohio Valley" that's just chock-full of goodness; they also have highwaymen and cowboys!

Perry Miniatures has some nice-looking American Civil War dudes - in plastic, no less.

Over at Wargames Factory, they have these sweet multi-part plastics I know I could do something with.

And of course Foundry has plenty of models that would be fun to paint up.

And that's just the tiniest slice of the 28mm historicals that are out there; not to mention fantasy pieces (and bits of pieces).

Which is not to say I'm getting back into minis wargaming or anything.  But I could see getting back into painting...