Mascot Monday: The Maw of Justice

 The past several years have been a little rough in some parts of Wampus Country.  You'll hear the wizards admit, when in their cups, that Chaos seems to be on the rise here and there; and reports roll in periodically from far and wide that some Old Thing has woken up, or the land has shifted more than it usually does.  Chaos, indeed.

It's in times like these that we frontier gentlefolk would do well to remember that although we are beset upon by gribbly bits of the Outer Dark from time to time, there are also supernatural forces of Order and Law out there which - while not exactly nice people - do stand astride the river of entropic collapse and shout "hey, what gives?"  Today we cover one such scion of Law.  

Magh-Rouf, the Maw of Justice

An ancient and terrible spirit, Magh-Rouf despises disorder, chaos, and crime, and manifests in Wampus Country (and no doubt other worlds) to combat those forces of entropy.  Magh-Rouf is that implacable force which restores order by swallowing whole those creatures of chaos and cruelty that dare wander from their prescribed demesnes.  The avatar of Magh-Rouf appears as a canine-headed man of grim demeanor, cloaked in a dun longcoat.  Magh-Rouf directs his retinue and devotees to act unceasingly against demons and devils of all sorts, but he reserves his special hatred for rakshasas - creatures of Law twisted to deviltry.

Those Who Follow Magh-Rouf

On occasion, Magh-Rouf inspires devotion in those who see him in visions, or spy his invisible paw manipulating fortune in the cause of true justice.  The followers of Magh-Rouf - often wizards, fallen priests of other faiths, or even directly-invested fancy modern warlock-types - will meander the realm, seeking crimes to investigate.  Some favor the garb of their lord - long coats in neutral colors, typically emblazoned with protective sigils on the inside lining.  Spellcasters who align themselves with Magh-Rouf - always of Lawful alignment, of course - will be granted access (via dreams and signs) to several common spells of a protective or abjurative nature as they prove their devotion.  They may also be granted the ability to speak with canines, gifted a speaking canine familiar, or, eventually, to shapeshift into a dog themselves.   Any humanoid who has been a praiseworthy servant of Magh-Rouf for six months may choose to count as a dog for all magical purposes. Most Magh-Roufians know the formula to craft a delectable hallucinogenic tidbit which acts as a remove fear spell upon those canines who consume one.

Lothar's Ferocious Dog (level 2 spell)

This conjuration/summoning spell, created by Magh-Rouf devotee Lothar Ramelle, summons forth one or more angry, drooling dogs of substantial size (as guard dogs of max hp).  The dogs appear within five feet of the caster, and will happily follow his verbal commands according to their Intelligence and Wisdom of 13, remaining until destroyed, dismissed, or until one round per caster level have passed.  The dogs can track as a ranger of a level equal to the number of dogs summoned.  The number of dogs summoned is calculated thusly according to the known mantras of Magh-Rouf; one dog, plus:

Magh-Rouf Rewards Loyalty: +1  per character level the caster has been a devotee of Magh-Rouf

Magh-Rouf Knows His Own: +1 if the character is them self a dog, or in a canid form currently

Magh-Rouf Loves The Dog-Coin: +1 if the caster carries upon them the symbol of Magh-Rouf (a platinum coin stamped or etched with the face of a dog)

Magh-Rouf Hates The Devil-Cats: double the number of dogs summoned if there is an enemy rakshasa within 120 feet.

Spell Commentary: This incantation seems underpowered for a one-off, until you realize that a sixth-level dogfolk devotee of Magh-Rouf can quickly throw eighteen german shepherds at a rakshasa.  That's got to be worth something, right?

The ancient spirit Magh-Rouf has little patience for disorder.

An ecstatic of Magh-Rouf, his familiar, and his long-suffering adventuring party.

Tokens of Love

 In the Long Ago, when the tumbleweed deserts of Wampus Country were known as the Painlands, and iron-thewed warriors crushed the skulls of rival city-states under their sandalled feet, True Love seemed but a myth.  The world was primarily composed of the base elements of misery and suffering, even after civilizing forces like the Empire of Koz ruled from horizon to horizon -- what time was there for even the most pedestrian love, let alone something mythic and compelling?  Into such an existence came the experimental art of love sorcery!  Dangerous, volatile, difficult to harness - but impressively powerful when carefully cultivated and aimed, love sorcery was popular as a fad among the wizards of the Painlands for nearly a generation before fading into obscurity.

The basic art required as a focus a token of love.  This object could be a piece of jewelry, a perfumed scarf, lock of hair, a cameo, or even a morbid relic of a lover; whatever its material form, the token of love had to be invested over weeks with the emotional charge of a properly-inspired lover (not necessarily the caster creating the talisman).  Soaking in tears, direct exposure to erotic moments, sitting in a brazier which burns a stack of love letters - all possible methods of infusing energy into the token via sympathetic magic.  What few records we have from that time period suggest that while most tokens of love were charged up with ongoing, romantic love between two partners, there is passing mention of tokens based on unrequited love and even filial love.  A token of love does not last forever, for it is but a representation of the love; the token must be recharged every 90 days to retain its functionality.

Once the talisman is suitably invested, and the spellcaster has attuned himself to it for several days' time, then the token of love has three powers:

Cupid Speech - While holding or wearing the token of love, the bearer (who need not be a spellcaster) can speak to spirits of love and similar supernatural creatures associated with romantic love.

Love's True Face - While holding or wearing the token of love, the bearer will always recognize their love and cannot be deceived in this way by disguise or illusion - they will always see their love, even if shapeshifted, etc.

Sorceries of Love -  The token of love can be used to learn (via ecstasy), memorize, and cast certain spells of love sorcery, learned no doubt from love spirits (cupids and so forth).  Despite the name 'love sorcery', typically these spells do not create or catalyze romantic love - instead the love in the token is used to fuel completely different, often defensive, spell effects.  Examples of love sorcery spells alluded to in the recently-unearthed Codex of the Broken Heart follow; different versions of them may have borne different names in antiquity.

Love Gun (level 1)

The caster makes the traditional wizard's 'gun fingers' gesture with the token of love clasped in one hand, and aims at a target capable of love within sixty feet, then triggers the evocation with one or more pelvic thrusts.  A blast of pink or reddish eldritch energy flies forth from the casters' fingers and inflicts 2d4+caster level psychic damage to the target, no to-hit roll necessary.  If the target's lover is within one mile, they, too, will suffer 1d4+caster level points of psychic damage.  Be careful you don't assault a town guard and accidentally murder his wife four streets over.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot (level 1)

Holding the token of love against their heart (even if it's already hanging there on a chain; you need to use one hand to keep this spell going), the caster calls upon the powers of love to preserve them from harm.  So long as the caster is holding the token thusly and concentrating, his armor class against ranged attacks (including magical attacks which require a to-hit roll) is improved by 4.  A level 4 version of this spell, supposedly called Love Is A Battlefield, extends the protective effect to four willing creatures who remain within five feet of the caster.

I Want to Know What Love Is (level 2)

The caster holds the token of love between both palms as if in prayer and concentrates on a sentient creature within 120 feet.  After several rounds of concentration, aligning their love chakra with those of the target, the caster may then use the token of love to "dowse" for the target's actual lover, true love, or unrequited love (the caster does not choose; the spirits of love will lead you).  This spell acts otherwise as a Locate Object spell, with similar duration.

Love Will Tear Us Apart (level 2)

Presenting the token of love with a forceful thrusting motion, the caster telekinetically shoves one target (typically an ally) up to (caster level x 5 feet) away.  Said target receives a save vs spell to resist, but if the target is an ally and the caster is acting to protect the target (ie to push it out of range of an incoming fireball or similar), the save is at -4.  The spell will not function on targets that weigh more than twice as much as the caster (no shoving iron golems).  Rumors suggest this spell has a reversed version that will, in fact, Keep Us Together.

What Is Love?  (level 3)

Another defensive sorcery, this incantation requires that the caster place the token of love in their trousers or skirts, and rhythmically bob their head with a force sufficient to addle the brain.  For a number of rounds equal to the caster's level, they are immune to pain (but still take damage) and resist all fear and charm effects (including the pain of romantic rejection) - continual movement of the body and head are required to keep up the spell.  The caster may extend the protective aura to one willing companion within five feet if the target also performs the necessary ritual movements.

Critter Gitters: Emasculating the Krampus

 D&D is a weird game.  And bizarre things inevitably happen in it, unless you're constraining your genre and players so tightly as to prevent that kind of stuff.

This rundown contains SPOILERS for The Old God's Return.  You have been warned.

Last week the Critter Gitters (five of them, anyway - Okrem the rogue is on the shelf for now) finally went after the flying iceberg, which is now a good bit further south than when they first encountered it.  Luckily it doesn't move that quickly, and they had air transport in the form of Kipper's dirigible.  The party now owes Kipper two favors to be named later.  This will be useful to me, the DM, in inserting any old scenario I like down the line...

They fly to the iceberg scout the top, seeing the top of the ancient ziggurat poking though the ice.  Jossshua the lizard wizard sends his owl familiar (dubbed "Owl Roker" by me since the player didn't have a name on tap) to fly up to the open, dark doorway and see what's what.  Poor Owl Roker is immediately ventilated by a series of thrown knives.  Goodbye, Owl Roker.  This is 5e, so he's basically a Pokemon, and Jossshua doesn't lose a point of CON, but we do take a moment to point out familiar loss as a Bad Thing.

The Critter Gitters hop off the gondola of the dirigible and take positions around the door, supporting Hogan's charge inside.  He's immediately engaged by three ice-gnome-looking dudes, who eventually got referred to as "frigid midgets", later elided to "fridgets".  They aren't difficult to deal with, and fall apart into crushed ice when slain.

Down into the ziggurat!  A chamber full of creepy pine trees that whisper horrible things, and then another fight with fridgets (wielding icicle javelins) and a large goat-ish dude that the Gitters immediately assume is some kind of Krampus - and so he is.  Did I mention this was the winter holiday session that they'd been dodging?  Mid-combat they learn that the Krampus has a sack which easily swallows people up (Jossshua loses a summoned creature this way - you do not want to work for this wizard if you're a conjured critter, it doesn't end well.)

At the end of this combat - disappointed that the magic of the sack seems to lie with the Krampus himself and not with the sack (sorry, looters), Pips Mulligan the halfling immediately declares he wants to butcher the Krampus and take the parts which he deems are likely to have magical or mundane value - to wit, the horns, fangs, and manhood.  Okey-dokes.

In another chamber, the Gitters find a dead wizard entombed in the ice.  Seeking to free the corpse (and the amulet around its neck) using fire magic, they trigger an ancient protection spell that summons a lesser spirit in the shape of an icy mantis (this is all in the adventure - Michael Curtis is good about predicting what most groups will attempt, and writes accordingly).  It's demon fightin' time!  The Gitters are banged up but victorious, and continue onward...

Reaching the final room, they find the horrible (un?)dead reindeer proto-deity-demon-thing perched on a throne of rough-hewn stone.  Before throwing down, warlock Fear-Not parleys with the thing.  He's out of spell slots, and the terrible reindeer can sense it (after all, this thing probably had warlocks of its own, the last time it was awake)... Awful Reindeer suggests that if HE were Fear-Not's patron, the warlock would not have nearly died that time, or been returned to life with a tomato for a head (for that is what happened).  The creature offers succor to Fear-Not and all those who swear into his service, and hands Fear-Not a baby's soul like it was an hors d'oeuvre.  

Without hesitation, Fear-Not eats the baby.  I say "okay, you get a spell slot back instantly".  Then combat breaks out as the other PCs have had quite enough of this nonsense.  Later in the combat, Fear-Not burns that one spell slot to attack the Awful Reindeer, so there's a smidge of irony there I suppose.  The fridgets in attendance are slaughtered, and when the second Krampus bodyguard is felled, Pips once again goes straight for the genitals.  Because once you have one Krampus pizzle, of course you want a second one ("Gotta geld 'em all"), and Pips muses aloud that maybe the party wizards can make them into gun-barrels for him. When the Gitters finally kill the damn thing, the iceberg and ziggurat start to fall apart... you know how this goes.  Book it for the exit, and get the heck out of there.

Back in town, we wrap the session (leaving poor Go-Boom the artificer a mere 27xp from leveling, how delicious) and I ask for downtime actions.  Most of them are research-oriented; the ancient pictographs in the ziggurat, the strange pine needles they collected, and...what can you make out of Krampus dong. 

I gave them several options for what minor magical uses a Krampus bit might have.  Including, of course, what it would take to work both of them together to make an enchanted blunderbuss.  I suspect they'll bite on that offer and want to invest the time and resources into that; the temptation is surely too strong.

D&D is a weird game.

Poor stupid Krampus doesn't know what fate has in store for him.  
(art by Doug Kovacs)

Trident Bay: Company of the Black Pearl

 I know we're padding content with session reports and look-backs, but I have a lot of catching up to do.

Several years back I started a 5e campaign called 'Trident Bay' with a group of gamers I'd known for ages and ages - guys I'd been playing with off and on for thirty years.  The point of the run was to get together with these folks, about once a month, and blow a weekend afternoon like we used to back in the late 80s/early 90s.  We'd use D&D 5e because we were all interested in giving it a proper shakedown, and I resolved to try to use a combination of Dungeon Crawl Classics adventures and OSR/TSR stuff as the skeleton.

Was Trident Bay in continuity with Wampus Country?  Maybe.  Yes.  We'll address that ongoing question in a later post.  The region was a bigass horseshoe shape around a large bay, the vibe was low medieval / sword-and-sorcery, and the religious setup was basically a tweaked Roman pantheon (the setting postulated a war between Jupiter, Neptune, and Pluto, with Neptune winning the war and becoming the new god-king of both sky and sea).  I had previously run con-games and public-play in sort-of-this-setting - sessions of Under the Waterless Sea, The Sea-Queen Escapes, Adrift on the Sea of Love (from Gus at Dungeon of Signs), and even B4 The Lost City.

The characters:

Big Derek (aka Derek the Impetuous).  Brash fighter.

Brother Shin.  Idealistic priest of Neptune Triumphant.

Victor.  Warlock, accompanied by his lecherous imp, Zup.  Victor had been an acolyte of Selene (moon goddess) before falling under the spell of his current patron, who we think might be the dark side of the moon - Hecate or similar.  It was an ongoing mystery.

Little Crow.  Joined several sessions in.  Ranger.  Accompanied by his haughty/delusional pet crow, Falcon.

Now I might get some of these sessions out of order...this is why DMs should take good notes.  I also talked about some of these adventures on my now-classic podcast, Tales of Valor & Sorcery (find it wherever podcasts dwell), a broadcast so timely and beloved that all seven episodes still exist on the internet.

The first session, I used Tower of the Black Pearl, a DCC joint by Harley Stroh.  Destitute and packed to the gills with both wanderlust and the youthful impression of invincibility, Derek, Shin, and Victor follow weird rumors to check out a tower that rises out of the sea only once every umpty-ump years.  They fight pirates and some other lingering critters, but most importantly, they make off with the Black Pearl.  In fact, they name themselves the Company of the Black Pearl, after this first big score together.

SPOILERS...Here's the thing about the pearl, as depicted in the adventure.  It has a magic power worth keeping around, BUT it also attracts the attention of every evil thing in the land.  Well, there's the campaign right there, at least until they dump the pearl, right?  MEANWHILE, dark forces are rising - because they're always rising - in the form of some nasty chaos goatmen and minotaurs, basically evil livestock as far as the eye can see.  It's coming.

So they know the pearl is Big Magic, but not exactly what it does or its origin, so they set off to find a wizard who can take a look at the thing.  They end up in the village of Tealeaf, where they've been told multiple wizard-types reside.  Cue Three Sad Wizards, an OSR adventure about the eponymous wizards who have each been kicked out of their suitably-themed residence by something different.  The Company of the Black Pearl agrees to work to reclaim the wizard-homes in exchange for whatever the wizbangers can tell them about the bigass pearl.

Three Sad Wizards is basically three small locations; one is bug-themed, one plant-themed, and one bird-themed.  Across two sessions the Company hustles their way through all three.  They solve/botch the bird house, failing to save a certain apprentice from peril but reclaiming the house.  The plant house?  Fire was their friend as they old-schooled their way through the garden (thank Big Derek for that).  And at the bug house, they ended up surrendering the house over to the new occupant, a rather scary lady spider.  A mixed bag of results, but they did their best.  In return, the wizards tell them that the pearl is probably the Eye of the Leviathan, a dangerous artifact of Long Ago - something that can protect them but will also be coveted by great evil.  Satisfied, the heroes bed down for the night in Tealeaf, and wake the next morning to find two of the wizards have been murdered overnight, apparently by one of the wizards' apprentices, who has since absconded.  Deciding it isn't their problem, the PCs promise to keep an eye out, and leave town seeking further fortune.

NEXT: Sailors on the Starless Sea, and Carnival of the Damned

Three Sad Wizards; now Two Dead Wizards and One Really Depressed Wizard Rethinking His Surprisingly Dangerous Lifestyle

Tragically, no elves were stabbed during our run of this adventure.

Critter Gitters: Castle In The Clouds

 Continuing notes on the "Critter Gitters" sessions...

The most recent sessions have all been based around maps and concepts from Cloud Giant's Bargain (WotC 5e), as well as The Old God's Return (Goodman DCC).

As the Gitters return to Bitter Luck from their expedition to the Haunted Mills, they note two things: first, it's Thankstravaganza, a holiday, and everybody's partying; and secondly, a small fish-shaped zeppelin is parked at one end of town.

Stepping into the Roadrunner Saloon, they find their occasional patron Sir Reginald dining with a penguin in a pilot's cap, introduced as Kipper.  Over Thankstravaganza dinner, Sir Reginald and Kipper tell the tale of a supposed menace far to the north, in the Snowdeeps, where something old and dangerous has awakened.  In reaction to this rumored menace, Sir Reginald has received a communique from a sky-giant who wants to parley about working together against This Thing.  Pursuant to that, Sir Reg asks the Gitters to work with the two people he's hired and fly in Kipper's zeppelin to check out these sky-giants who are possible allies (or possibly full of crap).

Thus, we add two PCs:

Go-Boom, tortle artificer.  Stoic turtle-man with magisteampunk armor.

Josssshua, lizard-man wizard.  Raised by very stupid serpent cultists who thought he was a snake-man, Jossshua is now out on his own and seeking his fortune.

The Gitters hop in the mini-zep and hustle to the rendezvous.  They don't trust the sky-giants and resolve to poke around a bit first before introducing themselves.  On the approach to the castle, they leap from the zeppelin to free-fall toward the castle and use feather-fall runes at the last moment (this gimmick is in the published adventure and I love it).

The PCs skulk about one set of towers, encounter the kitchen-goblins (from whom they demand, and receive, lattes), then enrage a pair of hell-hounds who proceed to seriously kick their asses.  It isn't my fault, they were all stacked up and that makes breath weapons super nasty in any edition.  Fear-Not was KO'd, everybody was freaking out, they could hear giant guards approaching...and that's where we stopped that night.  END PART ONE!

The next session, the Gitters managed to evade the guards and make their way toward the throne room, where they met Prince Thunderful, did the exposition/discussion thing.  The giant's vizier is an infiltrator for the Horrible Ancient Thing, and turns traitor, triggering a combat in which Prince Thunderful is nearly killed (but then rescued by Go-Boom).  A squirming bag on the vizier's hip is cut open mid-combat, and out tumbles another PC, magical (call)girl Juniper Muffington (who participated in the Coalpepper Expedition and once teamed up with Gunsi the Squirrel).  he vizier escapes while the Gitters are trying not to be eaten by Thunderful's pet dragon-wolf.  Finally everything calms down, just in time for an immense flying iceberg (with a ziggurat at the center) to crash into the cloud-castle and send it careening toward the earth.  

The Gitters' party - now numbering seven PCs - just barely escapes into the mini-zeppelin and they get clear of the mess - they can see the cloud-castle crash into the badlands.  Rather than immediately investigate the (slow-moving, in the scheme of things) iceberg, they return to Bitter Luck (end of session).

They rest for the night, and the next day, Fear-Not, Okrem, Go-Boom, and Juniper are uhhh not around, so Hogan, Jossshua, and Pips think long and hard about whether they really want to brave the flying iceberg.  Deciding against it for now, they cajole local priest Father Rumsworth to join them in a search-and-rescue trip to the crashed cloud-castle.  While flying in the zeppelin, they see some jackalweres below, who they taunt, but the PCs fly on.  Once over the debris field, they find that Prince Thunderful is wounded but alive; sadly his naked grandpa has been crushed during the crash.  Father Rumsworth heals Thunderful as best he can and it makes a significant difference.  Thunderful repays the Gitters by telling them of some trophy weapons his grandparents took from would-be giant-slayers, which used to be on the walls of their dining hall.  The Gitters search diligently, eventually finding an enchanted shield, and later a magic blade of black meteoric iron.  They also locate a partially-intact tower from the castle and poke around in there for a while - engaging a damaged helmed horror in the process.

Bidding farewell to Prince Thunderful (who contentedly waits for pickup, having sent his dragonwolf to carry word to his father), the Critter Gitters return to Bitter Luck to round up some more hands...in hopes of besieging the flying iceberg!

Critter Gitters

 Several months back, I got a new group of PCs going in Wampus Country, using 5e.  I'm not in love with 5e, but it's good to play with it to figure out what changes would be needed to get a Wampus feel out of pairing that ruleset with this setting.  That's the experiment!  Pleasingly, this group - eventually known as the Critter Gitters - plays on Fridays, just like the "classic" days of the Rat-House Bastards.  They also ended up as a multi-wizard group, too, but we're not there in the story yet.

The 'home base' for this run is the tumbleweed down of Bitter Luck, out on the edge of the badlands.  I used Bitter Luck once previously when I was attempting to run Dungeon of the Selenian Conclave, using 5e, a couple years back, but we only did one session of that before it fizzled.  Maybe Bitter Luck is the 5e town in Wampus Country?

Initially we had three PCs:

Okrem, a robgoblin (half-orc rogue).  Fleeing debts and rival gangsters in a larger town (probably River-Town, or potentially Thistlemarch), Okrem has made his way to Bitter Luck to start over.  He bills himself quite insistently as a locksmith, but he fools no-one with this protestation.

"Pips" Mulligan, a deadeye gunslinger (halfling fighter).  Pips fancies himself a gambler and a daredevil - regrettably he lacks the funds or reputation to support those assertions.  

Umberhulk Hogan, a bug-man wrestler (goliath barbarian).  Hogan is some sort of brawny insect-man from the desert; his chief life-goal is to get famous as a badass rassler.   Hogan carries a folding chair.

These three worthies gathered together in the Roadrunner Saloon in Bitter Luck, agreeing to work together to make some cash - and perhaps a name - out here in the badlands.

FIRST SESSION:  The PCs chat with various town NPCs to get the lay of things, and end up going out into the wilderness to hunt valuable creatures.  They end up killing some giant harmadillos and some other things and dragging them back into town to sell to local wizard The Amazing Flim-Flam for parts.  Whatever bits Flim-Flam doesn't want for magic/potion use, they sell to the tanner and butcher in town.  Thus do they gain their name...the Critter Gitters.  No quarry too big, no target too small.

At this point the Gitters add a fourth member: Fear-Not, a tiefling warlock.

SEVERAL FOLLOWING SESSIONS: The Gitters follow a rumor to investigate the ruined tower across the dry riverbed outside town.  For these sessions, I used The Ruined Tower of Zenopus - a great update and reimagining of the intro level from the Holmes rules.  Zach's update of this dungeon is fantastic, I've run it twice now - and that's pretty much the best compliment I can give an adventure!  The Critter Gitters cleared out most of the place, and clashed with the resident wizard, one Lord Halitosis.  In addition, they took over the wizard's house - y'know, like PCs do.  By the end of the several sessions, the Gitters were claiming the subterranean complex (and the house above) as their new HQ.  They've been living there since, despite a few corners of the place not quite being secured...  Somewhere in here, Fear-Not gets killed and resurrected with a mix of suspicious/janky potions, and although he comes back to life, he now has a tomato for a head.

HALLOWEEN EPISODE:  Just in time for Halloween, the Critter Gitters accepted an assignment from local rich-dog Sir Reginald Toiletwater to head north and investigate/reclaim The Haunted Mills.  I was glad to finally implement this goofy adventure idea, and as it turned out it took two sessions to get through it.  By the end, the Gitters had vanquished the threat - after nearly dying a couple times, as is only fair for a Halloween game - and the flaming blue ghost of Beau Barry had ascended to some more evil plane.  He'll be back, no doubt.

Next time: We'll catch up to today, as the Critter Gitters acquire a few more (associate?) members and investigate a flying castle.

Curious Riverine Fauna

Some notes from Sergeant Puppybones, a boxtoon bodyguard, sellsword, and amateur naturalist, based on his recent stint as security on the Fabulous Fingerling, a luxury ferry between River-Town and Frogport.

---

The past seven months going up and back on the river numerous times (I've lost count, truly) have not only padded my purse but also taught me much.  The ferry-hands were all well-experienced sailors who knew quite a bit about not only the Great River, but also Shining Lake.  I regret that I lacked the foresight to take sound notes on their anecdotes from the get-go, but I shall endeavor to make good recollections in these correspondences to my journalistically-minded fellows.  I can't say what value some of these creatures might have to the scientifactually curious or magically-inclined, but as my dear father Master Sergeant Rumpsniffer used to say, "Everything's useful if you're clever."


YELLOWBACK BOOMERS

Among the strange fish that were pointed out to me by the sailors, the most memorable must surely be the yellowback boomer.  Featuring a bright yellow stripe along its spine and a flattened head, this narrow-tailed fish reminds me, in shape, of a bowling pin.  The yellowback boomer is not, it seems, a  native fish of the Wampus Country, or so the sailors say - it comes to us from some far-flung land, as evinced by its elemental nature.

Within each boomer is a tiny speck of elemental energy which allows the fish to sustain itself on light gathered via the yellow stripe (this explains why they swim so close to the surface).  This same magical energy is what makes the yellowback boomer so dangerous; should a yellowback expire while not exposed to the light, the corpse of the fish will explode when again it sees the sun.  In the natural order, this means the boomer's predators are all savvy enough to eat the fish at the surface of the water, or beyond it (as the flytrap pelican does); boomers dragged down deep to their doom have a tendency to take their predator with them to the afterlife.

One of the sailors aboard the Fabulous Fingerling had a strange method of using the boomers: he owned a stout wooden box whose sole round aperture was covered with black velvet, slashed through the middle such that one could reach into it without letting light into the box.  The sailor showed us how to fish for yellowback boomers, then immediately stuff them in his lightless box, where of course they would flop about and gasp for air.  The next day, when we were assaulted by some foolish river pirates, we took turns plunging our hands into the box, pulling out a boomer and throwing it, grenade-like, at our foes.  The fish each took a moment or two to explode, but they did so with considerable concussive force; we'd managed five or six of them on the deck of the pirate sloop before they all started going off in a deadly chain, severing a few pirates at the ankles.


ARLINE SNAKE

One of the animals brave and resilient enough to feed on yellowback boomers is the arline, a sort of amphibious serpent-eel which is happy to hunt in the water or on the marshy littoral.  The arline is milky white, with black and yellow spots.  The two varieties, so-named Eastern and Western, are easy to confuse, one bearing black-and-yellow spots, and the other yellow-and-black.  Yet is important for the wilderness explorer to know the difference, as the Eastern and Western are actually the males and females of the same species, who live separate lives except during mating season.  One week a year in the autumn, hundreds of the arlines swim toward one another, meeting in a massive sex-tangle just offshore (for the past several years a "Snake Sex Party Cruise" has set sail from Loon Rock in order to observe this lustful serpentine sargasso; an infamous serpent-priest serves as tour guide and party planner).  At the end of the frenzied spawning, each white serpent then returns again on its own, going back down the only path it has ever known.

The males of the arline species are mildly venomous; the females, however, are massively venomous and also poisonous to the touch.  In fact, the viviparous arline actually suckle their young on venom from their ample fangs.  I have heard that the heart and venom sacs of the female arline can be macerated with honey-mead and left to sit overnight to create an anti-poison potion.




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Weird animals created by The Boy; gamification and unnecessarily stupid gags by me.